The Power of Forgiveness: It is for you, not for them!

10 Steps of Forgiveness

Did you know that forgiveness is one of the most empowering things you can do? Forgiveness is a powerful tool that can help you break free from your past. Unforgiveness bleeds resentment, which is a toxic emotion that can lead to multiple other mental and physical problems. As long as you are alive, you will experience hurt from other people. The hurt, whether unintentional or intentional has a negative impact on both your mental and  physical health.

Most people have great difficulty in forgiveness because they do not understand what it is and what it is not. Forgiveness does not mean that you excuse or tolerate the offender’s behavior. Forgiveness is for you. It helps you grow from the situation and move on with your life.

Growing up, you may not have been loved the way you should have. You may have been neglected and abused as a child, you may have grown up in a chaotic family, absent parents, you may have endured bullying and torment as a child, close friends may have betrayed you, you may be a son who never knew what the true love of a father feels like, or a daughter who never experienced the tender love of a mother. As a child you may have been loved one moment and abused or abandoned by the same person in another moment. As long as you hold on to these hurts, you will never be completely free. It will affect the way you relate to yourself and to others.

If you are living with unforgiveness, you are more likely to be defensive in an effort to protect yourself from being hurt again, you may tend to push people away lest they become too close to you and then leave. You may be sabotaging your relationships because of the fear of abandonment or betrayal. Unless you recognize the root cause of this unhealthy pattern of relating, you are likely to move through life pushing away people that you really need because you are afraid you will be hurt again. 

Steps of forgiveness

1. Acknowledge the hurt. The first step is acknowledge that the hurt happened and the pain is real. Acknowledge that you were wounded emotionally by those who should have been protecting you.

2. Write it down. If you can, write down what happened and the depth of your pain, and the feeling that you have towards the person that hurt you.

3. Speak to the hurt. There is power in speaking directly to the part of you that is holding the pain. Acknowledge the pain.

4. Once you acknowledge the pain and the hurt, turn it over to God or higher power.

5. Let it go. A powerful symbolic gesture that I use in counseling is have people burn whatever they wrote down on a piece of paper as a symbol that the past is gone. Once the healing on the inside begins, it will start to manifest itself in the physical.

6. Reach out to the offender only if it is safe to do so. Let them know that you forgive them. Make it clear that you are doing this not to justify what they did, but for your own peace of mind. Alternatively you can write a letter of forgiveness to whoever hurt you. You do not have to mail the letter. Burning the letter is a powerful symbolic gesture that can bring healing and closure.

7. Set Boundaries. If the person who hurt you has the ability to hurt you again, decide what you need to do to protect yourself from letting this person ever hurt you again. Reach out to a trusted friend for accountability.

8. Forgive yourself. You may experience shame, guilt, and self-blame. For you to experience complete freedom, you need to extend the same grace of forgiveness to yourself as well.

9. Daily confession. Everyday declare that this hurt has no more power over your present or your future. Declare that this situation will no longer have power over your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. That is where faith comes in. If you wait for things to change first, then you do not need faith. Faith is when everything on the outside says one thing, but on the inside you have a vision of healing, freedom, restoration, abundance, and success. In the midst of your pain, have hope that things will get better, you will feel better, you will do better.

10. Seek professional help. If you are still struggling with unforgiveness, you are not alone. Forgiving is not easy. If you find that past hurt is interfering with your life today, reach out for help from a Licensed Counselor. Once you release these negative feelings, you will create room for positive feelings and achieve a sense of peace.

Healing Streams Counseling has Master’s Level Licensed Professional Counselors,  who can help you find forgiveness and healing from past traumatic experiences, and bring joy and happiness back into your life. Healing Streams Counseling – 314-643-7444

 By Damaris Karanja, MA, MEd, LPC, RDN, a licensed Mental Health Professional Counselor and Registered Dietitian at Healing Streams Counseling.