Marriage Tip: Embrace Differences In your spouse

Growing up, we were all accustomed to romantic fantasies for fairy tale weddings which concluded with “…and they lived happily ever after.” This leads to a myth that happy marriages are void of conflict or disagreements between spouses. According to renowned relationship expert John Gottman, happy marriages are based on a deep friendship between you and your spouse. This means respect for each other and enjoyment of each other’s company. In happy marriages, couples respect and appreciate each other's differences and there is little effort in trying to change each other. John Gottman asserts  that even happily married couples argue, but arguments don’t necessarily harm a marriage.

One of the most surprising truths about marriage is that most marital arguments cannot be resolved. You can spend year after year trying to change your spouse’s lifestyle, personality, interests or values. This only leads to a waste of time and harming the marriage. Keep your friendship strong despite the inevitable disagreements. Friendship will not keep you from arguing, but it gives you a secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of hand. Remember, most marital arguments CANNOT be resolved!

In future blogs, I’ll discuss practical ways to cultivate friendship with your spouse.

By Damaris Karanja, MA, MEd, LPC, RDN, a licensed Mental Health Professional Counselor and Registered Dietitian at Healing Streams Counseling.

 Reference: 
Gottman, J.M. (1999).The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press. 
New York, New York.